The Ceiling Fan Lobby’s Crusade Against Global Warming

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Comedian Jeff Wozer presents his humorous ‘How to…’ guide for climate-change deniers to persuade the world that global warming is but a myth.

The following is a leaked memo authored by the powerful International Association of Ceiling Fan Lobbyists addressing its losing battle in discrediting global warming facts.

TO: Global Warming-Denying Politicians

FROM: International Association of Ceiling Fan Lobbyists

SUBJECT: Lobbying

Amid the damaging case to our cause that 2014 went down as the warmest year ever since record keeping began in 1890, we’re hearing that those bothersome climatologists at the National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration (NOAA) are predicting 2015 will topple 2014 as the hottest year yet.

To counter these troublesome facts we propose forwarding any or all of the following fabrications to your respective constituencies:

  • Claim that a noted Italian theologian uncovered a missing biblical verse from the book of Genesis that reads: “And God said, “Let there be global warming every 147,000 years or so, give or take a millennium or two. And let earth’s global warming be caused by natural climate oscillations and astronomical factors such as cosmic ray flux, cloud albedo feedbacks and Milankovich cycles. And
    let those who claim that the planet’s abnormal warming is caused by anthropogenic emissions known as greenhouse gases be cast aside like mustard seeds in a desert wind storm as unrighteous suppressers of truth unworthy of inheriting the earth let alone Antarctic ice core samples. And there was global warming on the eighth day.”
  • Emphasise global warming’s undeniable health benefits using the following example: No snow means no snowmen. No snowmen means kids won’t be using coal for snowmen eyes. No snowmen eyes means less demand for coal. Less demand for coal means less coal mining deaths. Hence, global warming saves lives.
  • Cite that the global warming hoax was initiated by people who sport really impressive turtleneck collections.
  • Play on public fears. Note that warmer weather will lower the number of worldwide bank robberies and terrorist attacks due to the closing of ski mask companies.
  • Point out that global warming will cancel the Winter Olympics, thus ending Great Britain’s national nightmare of sucking at snow-based sports and sparing the planet from feigning interest every four years in luge, curling, and male figure skaters dressed as wigless drag queens.
  • Claim that a new Nostradamus prophecy was recently uncovered inside a cave in southwestern France exactly 17 paces from a Paleolithic cave painting of a nine-headed hyena (Note: the more facts the more distracted people become from the validity of this lie.) The prophecy, with chilling accuracy, reads: I have hereunto (Note: we don’t know if this is the proper use of the word “hereunto” but it sure sounds old-timey) cast my clairvoyant gaze upon the year 2006. And without justification Pluto will be disrobed of planet status. Angered with this slight, vengeful alien forces will unleash a cloven-footed curse upon earth’s scientific community, thus causing 97 per cent of all scientists to look as nutty as fruitcakes by misreading global warming data.
  • Discredit the poster child of global warming – polar bears. The forlorn images of these bears afloat on specks of ice have caused more damage to our case than the facts themselves. Claim new scientific data shows that polar bear numbers are not diminishing due to rising temperatures, but rather due to them not waiting 30 minutes after eating to go swimming.
  • Rumour that 98 per cent of the 97 per cent of scientists who agree with climate change are all secretly funded by the long underwear industry.
  • Educate the public on the many economic benefits of a warming planet. Warmer temperatures mean more ceiling and window fans. More ceiling and window fans create a greater need for paperweights. More paperweight demand creates more jobs. Hence, global warming is capitalism’s friend.
  • Use social media to discredit Pope Francis as a viable spokesperson on global warming with any or all of the following fibs:

 

1. During his Papal visit to the United States the Popemobile’s check engine light came on but to this day Francis has yet to get the vehicle serviced.

2. In his three years as pope he has never carpooled to work with nuns and bishops.

3. Not a single pew in Saint Peter’s Basilica is made from reclaimed lumber.

4. He let the energy audit gift card the Dalai Lama sent him for his 77th birthday expire.

PLEASE SHARE YOUR EXPERIENCES AND VIEWS IN THE COMMENT SECTION

 

Photo Credit: Valerie on Flickr.

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Green comedian Jeff Wozer’s humour articles have appeared in more than 35 publications. Jeff has performed his stand-up on some of comedy’s biggest stages – Red Rocks, Vegas Strip and the Great American Comedy festival. When not writing or performing, he spends his time sitting on the deck of his cabin high in the Colorado mountains dressed in tattered shorts and a thick Patagonia fleece jacket brooding about nothing in particular.

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